Life in Lyrics: Seasons of Love

Being the last week of the year, I guess it's appropriate to put a song that really sums up the entire year than just the week and on that note, nothing is more appropriate than 'Seasons of Love', the signature song of the musical RENT. Here's the clip from the movie adaptation of the musical by Christopher Columbus boasting some of my favourite actors on TV and on stage like Taye Diggs, Idina Menzel, Rosario Dawson and Adam Pascal (well, they became  my favourites after I watched RENT). Diggs, Menzel and Pascal were also part of the original Broadway cast of the musical.




525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How
about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?


In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died....


It's time now to sing out,
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
How about love!
How about love! How about love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

It seems like a common practice for many to become sort of reflective when a new year approaches and I think the song puts the whole idea nicely and succintly. Just like everyone else, I would start pondering how good the year has been and how much I've achieved and whether I've fared better in my year compared to the person next to me and since each and everyone uses a variety of measuring standards (study, career, financial status etc.), it's kinda hard to know which one man is better than the rest which brings me to why I really like the song.

It encourages us all to measure our year based on our relationships, with strangers on the street or virtually, our friends we hang out with most of the time, our family we fight with half of our lives, and most importantly, with our own selves all the time. It reminds us all to judge the minutes in our lives, all 525,600 of it, based on how much we've touched someone's lives, either with genuine compassionate gestures or simple plain smiles, directly or indirectly, to people we personally know or random strangers we become acquainted with. The song also serves as a reminder of the moments that we've offended and hurt someone so that we wouldn't, hopefully, repeat such similar actions.

In 2010, I've learned truths, my own truths, and while others deem that some of them are blasphemies, I've decided to give them the benefit of my doubt to explore them. In 2010, I've cried for many reasons, both sad and happy. In 2010, I've burnt bridges and while it wasn't something that I am really proud of, I have my reasons to justify my action. In 2010, I've dealt with death together with the idea and the journey leading to it and just like in the lyrics, the story doesn't end and will never come to an end just because a year comes to and end.

The same will continue to go on in my life and while I'm happy for all the good moments to keep on coming, I'm not really scared about the persisting bad moments that will always follow like a darkening shadow because I know the people I love will always be with my. In 2010, in both happy and sad moments, I always have my family and friends to rely on and share everything. 2010 might have passed without me seeing any of my family physically the entire year, never a day passes without me thinking about them. On the other hand, I go through 2010 with my other family, my friends I've come to consider as brothers and sisters.

2010 saw me surviving another stint in medical school to become one year closer to my childhood ambition. 2010 saw me achieving my second dream to become a writer when I won a short story competition with the promise of getting published. 2010 saw me coming out and being honest to my friends in accepting who I am. 2010 saw me practising medicine in its actual state of meeting patients and doing practical stuff. 2010 saw me being in and out of love, thrived in hopes of the possibility of happiness and struggled under pressure of having those hopes being shattered to pieces.

2010 saw me going through all those things I mentioned above with my friends all around me and I couldn't be more grateful than how my year has turned out to be!

So yeah, I hope 2010 has been a meaningful year to all of you. Fret not if the year was stagnant without any significant achievement for 2011 will soon come to bring a whole load of promise of something better. Just celebrate the fact that you all have your family and friends who will never be unchanging even if the year seems to change at a rate faster than you'd like. Wallow not in the misery of what we don't have but be grateful for the pleasure of the things we do have.

Good luck in 2011!

the good, the bad, and the resolute

The Good

What's good was the Christmas dinner my friends and I had on Christmas eve. It was sorta my second time enjoying Christmas with my friends (although I've gone through three December 25th in the UK, I remember just sleeping off the first one back in my first year). Like 2009, my friends and I decided to do a cook-out and spend the time together because we happened to be without or families on the festive season.

So yeah, on Christmas eve, we all gathered together and started cooking and I'd say the chaotic moment in the kitchen was a lot more fun than what happened later during dinner (although it was just as much fun). Despite the minor glitched involving a tripped fuse causing the entire first floor (including the kitchen) to be out of electricity, we managed to pull it off and enjoyed the night with some great food, great company and cheap alcohol (although I just settled for my pineapple juice lah)

stuffing Java and I made...took forever for Mami to make the breadcrumbs, bless her!



David getting putting his final touch on the amazing cheesecake =p



chickens ready to roast...we had one last year but it was not enough so we got two and we had enough for lunch the next day



after the fuse tripped, we had to put the roast, which was almost done luckily, in the microwave oven



that's Mami, anothe sample of crazy Japanese =p

Sharon, Pina, Mami, David sitting and Moi and Java at the back...cool people always hang out the back =p



toasting to great food, great company, and cheap wine and pineapple juice =p





and we later played Mahjong and Monopoly Deal and cards



The Bad

The bad was that I woke up one day with and eye infection or stye or 'ketumbit' as it's more commonly known among the Malay community. I first felt it on the edge of my right eye few days before Christmas day but my eye only started to get swollen on Christmas eve. I just hated the idea of having it because the last time I had stye (more info about it on Wikipedia - yes, I regard Wikipedia as biblical!) was back when I was 17 and somehow the idea of getting it again after 5 years really worried me.

woke up with a swollen eye on Christmas morning...Santa must have hated me for some reason =(

got worse on Boxing day and I can't go out shopping, bummer =(



got slightly better yesterday...

Lucky for me, the swelling went down like two days after it started (technically just yesterday) and I didn't feel the pain I'd usually feel so I felt really good because I was already planning to see my GP and I don't like the idea of it because I'd only go see a doctor only when something is really bad. The last time I went to see a doctor was in May after dealing with excruciating colicky pain for two days thanks to my IBS.

The Resolute

The Resolute was me, of course =p. Being the second last week of the year, I've sort of started thinking about 2011 and what I hope it's gonna bring me, or rather, what sort of changes I myself am gonna bring into my life.

I'm not much of a new-year-resolution kind of person so I rarely have any and this time around I'm still a little vague. However, over the years that I've lived (just 22 =P), I've learnt not to dream too big, or get lost in big dreams but to focus on little things more achievable and practical so one of the thing I'm planning to do in 2011 is to subscribe to TIME magazine. I picked up the edition featuring Mark Zuckerberg and reading it, it sort of opened me to an entirely different world I seem to know very little of (politics, sociology, economy, human rights, etc.) and I hate not knowing so I thought subscribing it would broaden my horizon a lil' bit and I think it would be a good escapade from the world of medicine now and again. Back when I was doing my IB, I used to subscribe to Reader's Digest and Discovery Channel magazine and I found reading something non-medical was a good way to de-stress so I'm gonna start the habit again. I'm also thinking of subscribing to RD again although I found the UK edition less interesting than the Asia edition. I guess it feels a lil' less homey.

Another thing I'm planning to do was to keep a diary-planner sort of thing. I'm not the most disorganised person on earth (I always manage to keep up with my assignment deadlines with minimal effort) but I thought it would be nice to have something to check regularly to keep me up to date with everything. As it is, I've already filled my planner (which I got free when I bought RD January publication) with dates of my rotations beginning January next year. I'm sure, just like how my three-month FoCP flew like a gust of wind, my EJR is gonna passed by like a bullet train it'lls be July in the blink of an eye. Medicine sure keeps my life hectic and fast!

Other than that, I'm not very sure about other resolutions yet but at least I'm starting somewhere. After all, a year of 365 days starts with just that one 1st January =P!!!

Life in Lyrics: We Need A Little Christmas

Life in Lyrics this week will be about Christmas, naturally. I'm on my Christmas holiday and what with the snow that comes down to disrupt everyone's travel plans and the pretty lights and decorations all around town with shoppers wrapped in their thickest jumpers and scarves, it's hard not to get in the mood.

I'm not very familiar with any Christmas carols or songs but when I watched Glee Christmas episode I fell in love with some and after I managed to get my hands on Glee Christmas album (the manner of which shall not be revealed =p), I've been playing them all every single morning of my Christmas break. Here's 'We Need A Little Christmas':



Haul out the holly

Put up the tree
Before my spirit falls again
Fill up the stocking
I may be rushing things
But deck the halls again now.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
Candles in the window
Carols at the spinet.


Yes, we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute
It hasn't snowed a single flurry
But Santa, dear, we're in a hurry!


So, climb down the chimney
Turn on the brightest string of light
I've ever seen
Slice up the fruitcake
It's time we hung some tinsel
On that evergreen bough.


For I've grown a little leaner
Grown a little colder
Grown a little sadder
Grown a little older
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder
Need a little Christmas now!


For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter
And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after
Need a little Christmas now

There's not much to be said about the lyrics except for the fact that I'm really enjoying my Christmas break. The weeks running up to my break were a little hectic, if not horrible, what with completing the logbook for the FoCP, revising for OSCE and exams, and dealing with the sudden death in the family, so I'm a lot cheerful now to be in a very festive mood.

I don't feel any affinity towards the celebration per se (seeing I'm not Christian) but some of my friends are so I'm just happy to join in the celebration with them. We just got our own tree (it's sooooooo pretty!!!) and we're gonna have a very big dinner on Christmas eve (like 6-7 hours from now and we haven't even started cooking =/).




decorated my first Christmas tree!

 So yeah, have a very merry Christmas!!!

P.S.: It's soooo gonna be a White Christmas this year =P!

my first ever Christmas tree!!!

Christmas was never a big thing in my life, naturally so because I'm not a Christian, but three years in the UK I really am enjoying the mood and atmosphere the season always brings year in year out.

In many ways (religious perspectives aside), Christmas is a lot similar to Eid in which both are about being with family and friends, spending times after together after not seeing each other for a very long time, seeking forgiveness and mending burnt bridges, enjoying good meal together, and exchanging gifts and presents.

In my first year, I just couldn't be bothered with Christmas. Back then, all I cared about was the whole post-Christmas sale following it. In my second year, a couple of friends and I decided to sort of celebrate Christmas by playing secret santa and having a huge dinner together where we have roast chicken and potatoes and the likes just to get in the mood. This year, we decided to go a lil' further by getting our own Christmas tree.

One of my favourite thing to do during Eid time is lighting the 'pelita' or oil lamps all around the house. It gives me great pleasure to see the flames (tiny one) dancing on the wicks around the house. It really puts me into the festive mood of Eid. I guess putting up a Christmas tree with the lights would be the Christmas equivalent of the oil lamps/pelita so I was really excited that we decided to get our own tree. It was my first time decorating my very first Christmas tree in my entire life!!!

looked a lil' daunting out of the box...



workin out the branches to give the tree the right shape...





started to decorate with garlands and bells...Java at the back trying to be the Grinch!



putting up the baubles and stars



with the lights



Java and me behind our Christmas tree =)

And that's my first ever Christmas tree. Childish as this might sound, I had a great pleasure putting it up with, hanging all the garlands and baubles and bell and stars all around the tree as we sang to Christmas carols and songs, especially when it was snowing outside. It really put me right into the Christmas mood!!

Here's one of the song we sang called O Christmas Tree. It is a German traditional Christmas song but this version has been given a modern twist sang by Mr Schue aka Matthew Morrison of Glee =)



O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure do you bring me!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure do you bring me!

For every year the Christmas tree,
Brings to us all both joy and glee.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Much pleasure do you bring me!

The Tourist

For a movie that boasts two most iconic Hollywood stars of the decade, it’s sad to say that The Tourist barely lives up to expectations, mine at the very least. Not that the movie doesn’t have a good storyline.

It has a good premise; one about an undercover agent, who fell in love with a money-launderer she was supposed to be spying on, on a seemingly relaxing and innocent trip in which she came across another man whom she fell in love with (sort of) while being hunted by both her agency and the mafia her beau’s had robbed, both thinking the new man was the man they wanted in disguise. With sultry American Angelina Jolie playing Elise, the British undercover agent and British-born Johnny Depp as Frank, the American math teacher (the irony of it), it is sort of a crime to expect anything less but the movie really is nothing more than less.

What’s lacking in the movie was the intense and explosive action-packed scenes that would make me teeter on my seat. Like seriously, it was sort of an espionage-themed movie so some explosions or ass-kicking fights or heavy-artillery shootings would be amazing against the stunning background of Venice. I don’t condone violence but the movie really should have some! Based on the French film Anthony Zimmer, critics seemed to think this movie pales severely to comparison. I’ve never watched Anthony Zimmer but as I watched The Tourist, I had a hard time looking out for any good moment that would make The Tourist reasonable in it’s own right (the opening scene with Jolie maybe).

Even the reasonably-good acting from both leads couldn’t really salvage the worth of this movie. Both stars were excellent in their own acting but there really was no chemistry between the two of them thanks to poor characterisation of both characters who have very few screentime together. The only spark I felt between the two was the scene in the train when they first met and dined together

It was good to see Depp playing a character that used very little eyeliner. From Edward Scissorhands to Captain Jack Sparrow to Willy Wonka to Sweeney Todd to Mad Hatter, I sort of forget that he was the hot and dashing older brother in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape or the bad-ass John Dillinger in Public Enemy. It was kinda interesting to see Depp as an awkward and blithering American tourist who was head over heels with his love towards Elise. Having said that, his versatility seems to have lost its shine on this one.

Jolie’s acting was the movie’s only saving grace. Jolie was just…well, I’m speechless! There really was nothing significant to the character she was playing – the Hollywood is littered with sexy and seductive female undercover agents going about their missions draped in Chanel and Prada and the likes – but Jolie brought the whole elegance of such a character to a totally new height! The opening scene in which she sauntered across the gloomy Paris pavement, she seemed to have sucked out all the light from the sun to have it emanates through the ivory sheath and the cashmere wrap she was wearing, paired with a matching clutch and the suede glove! As the camera zoomed in to focus on her well-contoured bum, I swore the way her hips went up and down alternatingly with every step she took would be enough to turn any gay men straight. A female friend of mine who I went to watch the movie with said she would readily turn lesbian for Jolie.

Having said that, Jolie’s stunning appearance was not enough to save the movie from being classified as pure trash the way I classified Salt. I watched Salt online and I fell asleep halfway through and I was the least curious as to how it ended. The only reason I didn’t fell asleep or walk out of the theatre for The Tourist was the 6.15 GBP I paid for the ticket. That’s RM 30 and I could get three McDonald BigMac meals with that amount! Wanted was Jolie’s last film that I really enjoyed and that was because of the strong, twists-filled, action-packed storyline.

Oh well, 1.5/5. Don’t waste your money on this one!

the good, the bad, and the so-so

The Good

What's good is my mood (dayyum, it rhymes!!!).

Yup, it's winter break (finally) and I have never felt myself more cheerful. Four days into the three-week hols and I'm spending it wisely by doing things I hardly have time to do. I've been catching up on some TV shows that I have to miss due to the nature of my FoCP. I know some thinks being a couch potato hardly counts as wisely or beneficial or fruitful but hey, cut me some slack! I'm on holiday and I spent the last three and a half months learning how to save people's lives! And that's not all I've been doing.

Mostly, I spend time with my friends unwinding and relaxing and catching up since I've not met some of them because we were sent to different hospitals for FoCP. I finally have some time to go shopping (just window as I'm waiting to splurge for the post-Christmas sale =)) apart from learning how to play Mahjong. Whoever invented the game was pure genius!



hotpot at David's...been a looooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg while since we had dinner together and had a good talk



mahjong time!!!



it's a good thing I'm pretty quick-witted (relatively speaking) to learn the trick of the game...



quick-witted enough to have won the first round of my first ever mahjong game although only by a small score...not bad for a first-timer I'd say!



gahhh, the sales are driving me crazy...pity my wallet and my back account =/



I loveeeeeeeeeeeee the Christmas decorations all around the mall...really put me right into Christmas mood!

 The Bad

What's bad is the worsening weather, again! Pretty much all my friends who were travelling this week, either back home or for holidays to some other warmer parts of the world, complained about being stuck and stranded either at airports or train stations. Both my Facebook newsfeed and Twitter timeline have been flooded with friends complaining and lamenting about their cancelled, delayed or suspended flights or trains. The same seems to be happening to my friends' newsfeeds.

A friend on the way back from Edinburgh was stuck in the train for 7 hours when it only takes less than 2 hours to travel from Edinburgh to Newcastle. A friend checked in on her flight online only to be told her flight was cancelled only when she arrived at the airport. A friend told me about her friend who got stuck in the traffic for 12 hours. A friend's friend's flight got delayed for 3 hours in Heathrow before she was told to go home for an indeterminable period of delay, came back to catch the delayed flight for the second time 20 hours later only to have the flight cancelled!

I sorta predicted that it was gonna be this bad so I cancelled my plan to take the Eurostar to Belgium to experience the Christmas market (it claims to be the biggest in the whole world with lotsa yummy food!!!) but this is beyond the beyond. I personally think the closure of both Heathrow and Gatwick airports reflected how unprepared the authority is in handling the unpredictable weather. It's understandable when aiports in Edinburgh and Newcastle are closed given the crazier northern weather the places are expereincing but London has it a lot milder. A friend who was in London for the weekend constantly tweeted about how the underground service was either delayed or suspended when the snow wasn't half as bad as the one we're experiencing in Newcastle.

Then again, the air traffic in Europe is such a chaos in itself very few flights will actually make it to fly across the continent. I can only hope the weather settles down a bit by the time of new year's eve. I'm not gonna like it if my train to London is delayed. I want to see some fireworks and musicals and shop in London. Dayyum, I miss that city!!!

The So-so

The so-so was my exam. Last week I mentioned that I was severely unmotivated so it cameas no surprised that I wasn't totally at ease with how the exam had progressed.

OSCE was really average. For every station that I could be satisfactorily happy for having done the best I could, there would always be another station in which I could have done a lot better had I prepared more so there was no net winner in terms of whether I did good or bad. Simply average.

As for the paper exam, I would say it wasn't a complete disaster although in I'd admit that I'd never done so much guesswork in my whole life as compared to the last fifteen minutes of the exam.

Anyway, it's all over and I'm just trying to enjoy my short holiday to the fullest!!!

FoCP: The End

15 weeks! And they all went by really in the blink of an eye. Given the amount of knowledge we have to (soppossedly) learn and all the practical skill we need to acquire, pretty much all my coursemates expressed their surprise at how fast time had flown. It was hectic and really busy every single day but the fact that we all enjoyed the practical and clinical part of medicine (i.e. seeing real patients and doing proper examination and procedures) made the time just flew even faster.

I know I said I'd be posting weekly updates of my experience during the FoCP (that is Foundation of Clinical Practice if you guys are clueless as to what I'm talking about) but I stopped at week 11. As it was nearing the exam and since we had to keep a logbook as a proof that we've fulfilled all the requirements we should achieve in the FoCP, the last few weeks were a lil' more hectic (more than it already was) dedicated to completing the logbook and studying. And since the last few weeks were consolidation weeks in which we were just doing more practice to improve our skills at doing clinical procedures, there really was nothing new that I've never shared in the earlier weeks.

Having said that, I did see a couple few surgeries during the orthopaedic/trauma week. I've always loved orthopaedic and after seeing a tibial fracture nailing (which involved drilling a metal rod all the way from the knee down to the ankle) and two knee replacement (one of which went wrong causing the consultant to go ballistic), I really think I wanna explore more of the are. I also got to see a laparoscopic surgery to remove the gall bladder. Other than that, there was nothing significantly eventful except for when I didn't go to the hospital for an entire week due to heavy snowfall and snowstorm.

I've said many times, again and again, that I've really enjoyed my FoCP due to its hands-on approach. Finally being in a hospital setting to see real patients with real complications were like the best part of it because finally we could put those lengthy and wordy textbook descriptions of illnesses and diseases to flesh and see how those diseases affected real people with real lives. Aside from seeing surgeries and doing the clinical procedures, what I really treasure is the chance to interact with patients. Talking to them, aside from serving a learning purpose for me in terms of communication skills and all that shiz, made me realise the value of life and how important it was to live it to the fullest without wasting a single moment. No one knows what's gonna happen in the future and time and luck and health might not always be on our side.

Anyway, those learning weeks were over and judging by the exam and OSCE last week, nothing seemed to have registered in my lil' brain =) but let's not go there. I'm just gonna enjoy my Christmas break without thinking about the result that's gonna come out next year!



the hamper of chocolates and cookies and wines we got for the teaching team...they've been really amazing helping us and pampering us all



us the 'young doctors' =p

I'm sooo in the Christmas mood. Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life in Lyrics: With A Little Help From My Friends

This week Life in Lyrics will be on 'Friendship'. 'Friendship' is surely about the only other element in life, aside 'Family' that would match the magnitude of the impact 'Love' can bring in one's life but all three are inter-related really so there's no point discussing which is more important (although being the romantic that I am, 'Love' tops everything for its universality and its absoluteness).

Anyway, this week's song is The Beatles's 'With A Little Help From My Friends'. I decided to use the clip from the movie musical Across the Universe because it kinda portrayed the carefree college student life which I thought was appropriate for me lah since I'm at college.

What would you think if I sang out of tune

Would you stand up and walk out on me
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key


Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends


What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own


No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends


Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love


Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you but I know it's mine


Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends


Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love


Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

I don't really think this needs much explaining. Let's just say that with what's been happening in my life the past few weeks, I'm really glad I have some very great friends to rely on for almost anything. Almost three years in the UK and I'm really glad to have a small circle of tight and close friends for both fun and sad times. Even though I rarely tell my friends what my troubles are or what's bothering me, they would always be there when I need them, no questions asked.

Yes, I'm a very private person and I mostly keep to my small circle of friends

and having them all around me are enough to cheer me up on any sullen day. I'm pretty sure many will agree that quantity is never quality. I have only, to date, 174 friends on Facebook and I put my profile unsearchable so that people won't be able to search for and add me. I'm not implying that those with well over 1000 friends on their Facebook profiles don't care much about real friendship with their friends but it annoys me, supremely, when people ask me what's my Facebook profile username five minutes into the conversation as if the whole 'getting-to-know-me' can be done through it. And it's even more annoying when people start saying I'm unfriendly for not accepting their 'friend' requests when those people never even try to be friends with me in real life! Seriously, how pathetic can you be?!

To finish this entry, I'm putting a video of Kenny Loggins's 'Your Heart Will Lead You Home'. I first heard it back when I just enrolled into MRSM Beseri, a boarding school seven hours away from home, when I was 16 and it was the one song that made me realise the important of friends especially when you're away from your family. I was planning to use the song in last two week's Life in Lyrics because I was feeling a lil' overwhelmed with all the workloads and I was thinking about home but the plan has been postponed due to various circumstances so I'll just put the video here.



So yeah, thank you guys. You know who you are!

the good, the bad, and the unmotivated

The Good

What was good was the improving weather. No more snowstorm or heavy snowfalls. Yes, the ground was still covered by the thick snow and the pavement was still icy and the temperature was still well below zero but the fact that there was no additional snow piling on top of them was a blessing in itself. I guess I should just be thankful for that little thing =).

The Bad

The bad was the leaky roof of my flat. Now that the snow were beginning to melt and thaw, it sort of cause lotsa water dripping through the cheap brick ceilings. And it wasn't just at one spot. Aside from a spot (a hugeeeeeeeeeee one) on the ceiling, it was also leaking at the window and the small window in bathroom. There really was nothing much I could do about so it so I just have to settle with sleeping with the 'tap-tap-tap' sound through the night seeing as my bed was right next to the windowsill.

The Unmotivated

The unmotivated was me, naturally. Being the nerd that I usually have been for the past 15 years in my academic life, I, for once, just couldn't be bothered studying to prepare for the exam. It wasn't like I didn't study at all and it wasn't because I couldn't find the time (there was plenty). Simply put, I was just unmotivated. Like seriously, I decided to watch the Inglourious Basterds for the second time last Saturday night. And on Tuesday evening, instead of doing the usual last minute cramming session to salvage what I could in the paper exam after the disasterous OSCE earlier that morning, I went on to watch three episodes of Glee and dayyum, they sure put me right into holiday mood. Oh well!

Life in Lyrics: Live Like We're Dying

Life in Lyrics this week will be about 'Life' in itself.

Still trying to accept the fact that my uncle has just passed away last Saturday, I've decided to choose the song 'Live Like We're Dying'. It was originally sung by The Script (whom I've no idea of) but I heard it first by Kris Allen (the guy who beat Adam Lambert in so many ways at so many levels). I don't think my uncle had ever heard of this song but I'm pretty sure he would be one person who would be a great believer in the messages written in the lyrics.




Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough?
'Til it's to late, it's not too late


Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done?


Yeah, we gotta start lookin' at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinkin'
If every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
Gotta live like we're dying


We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye?
Should be so careful who we left out of our lives
And when we long for absolution, there will be no one on the line


Yeah, we gotta start lookin' at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinkin'
If every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
Gotta live like we're dying


We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Oh, like we're dying, oh, like we're dying
Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying


We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


You never know a good thing 'til it's gone
You never see a crash 'til it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong?
You never know a good thing 'til it's gone


Yeah, gotta start lookin' at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got, then we gotta start thinkin'
If every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
Gotta live like we're dying


We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Oh, like we're dying, oh, like we're dying
Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying


We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

People tend to think that 'Death' is the very antithesis to 'Life'. Those people are wrong. Just like how 'Hatred' is not the direct opposite of 'Love' (I think 'Indifference' is because to hate someone means to accord that person a degree of emotion that still comes from your heart rather than just a pure disregard), 'Life' and 'Death' go hands in hands because, most of the time, we'll see the value of life only when death approaches. Only with the idea of dying do we start to appreciate the lease of time we're being given as the contract will eventually come to an end.

The lyrics are about taking chances and and all the opportunities given to us. Yes, dreaming was, and still is, the beginning of every great inventions and innovations we see around us today but those dreamers woke up from their dreams to materialise the ideas they were dreaming about. Most of the time, we would be so caught up in our dreams we fail to realise that we've missed out on chances and opportunities to turn those dreams into realities. We also tend to fail to see that rather than waiting for chances and opportunities to come knocking, we could (or maybe should) be making our own chances and opportunities. I'm guilty of this crime of mere existence against the exploration of life,


Another message in the lyrics is about living a life full of love as we explore and venture into various ideas and imaginations. As a flawed person, I could personally identify with the lyrics of the song about longing for grandeur and greatness that would so often cause me to forget those around me in my attempt to impress strangers and people I barely know. While there's nothing wrong to pursue dreams and ambitions, it's a pure mistake to take for granted those who stand by us because it's a greater shame to be at the top, having achieved all our dreams, without sharing the success with those who should matter to us. It's understandable that in our rush to be great and make our marks in the world, we would forget our family and close friends. I'd admit I'm also guilty of this crime now and again but as the lyrics remind me, 'We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say' before they disappear in front of our very eyes.
 
Long story short, the reason I'm finding it hard to accept my uncle's death is due to the sudden nature of it. He only started showing his symptoms barely two or three months ago and I had thought I would still have time to meet him. His untimely demise makes me realise how fleeting life is and that sometimes, I won't get the chance to say things I want to say and do things I want to do.


One of the advice my uncle once gave me was that I should enjoy and explore life. He said that as important an education was, my life shouldn't be restricted to mere academia because experiencing life, in itself, was an education.

To end this, I'll live you guys with a stanza of quote by Jack London, an American novelist:

I would rather be ashes than dust,

a spark burnt in a brilliant blaze, than be stifled in dry rot...

For man's chief purpose is to live, not to exist;

I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them;

I shall use my time.

So yeah, live your life. Take chances. Dream big. Spread your wings. But never forget to love those around you. And always come back home to your family.

God bless you, Pak Lang. Rest in peace.

my uncle, in memoriam

It's been barely a day since he passed away and you might think it's inappropriate for me to be writing this too early seeing as his grave would probably still be fresh from the burial yesterday. Maybe that is right but being far from my family, writing things down seems to be the only way for me to mourn, grieve and celebrate the passing of this great man, my uncle.

my uncle and his youngest two years ago when I first flew to the UK

I mourn not his untimely demise but the wrong choice he had made in his life. Again, it might be distasteful for me to reveal that he died of lung cancer as a result of his smoking habit but every coin has two sides so I might as well get the ugly truth out of the way as soon as I can. Hopefully, in my mourning, those close to me and those who read this will realise the brunt of smoking and its devastating power of burning a hole not only in the pockets of those who smoke but also in the hearts of those left behind in their demise.

For in his untimely demise, my uncle left behind a frail old mother, a heartbroken wife, five children, four brothers and sisters, well over ten nieces and nephews - an entire family.

So I grieve for his frail, old mother, my grandmother, who is now one son less to look after her and to care for her and to rely on in times of need. I grieve for the fact that my grandmother would never again see her son who used to frequently spend his lunch time to visit her and bringing her food ever since she had had a stroke around 5 years ago. It must break my grandmother's heart to have to bury her own son for no parents should bury their own children.

And I grieve for my uncle's wife who now has to live without the love of her life, raising their five children, the eternal signs of their love that will continue to live on, on her own. And I grieve for his children, my cousins, who now have to cope with an immeasurable sadness I'm not sure they can understand. Never again would their father walk through the door bringing treats or their favourite food. Never again would they get to kiss their old man's hand in the morning before they go to school.

And I grieve for my mother and her remaining brothers and sister for they've lost a great brother and a great friend. Being the middle child, my uncle certainly fit well in the role of a mediator and a voice of reason whenever arguments ensued in between them. And now my mother will not have his favourite brother to turn to whenever she needs to spill her heart out.

And I grieve for my siblings, my cousins and for myself for we all have lost a great uncle who was always generous with advice and anecdotes about life. He would often advise us all to lead a good life, much better than how he had lived his, and not to waste it all.

And I personally grieve for his untimely demise as I couldn't be there in times of his suffering to comfort him, or at his deathbed to say my final goodbye, or at his burial to hold the hands of my cousins to provide them what little support I could give in the event of their father's death. I grieve for the fact that I could barely remember the last time I ever saw him and the things we talked about. I was last home back in summer 2009 and I could only remember flicker of moments when he climbed the mango trees at my home plucking the ripening mangoes before he threw them to me as I waited on the ground to catch them. I grieve for the fact that never again will I get the chance to go fishing with him.  I grieve for the fact that I will never again get to see the man in the photo smile the way he did. And for that grieve, I cried, and would still cry, at the thought of his demise.

As I cried talking to my mother on the phone, she comforted me, in the away that any child needs to be comforted, by saying that God loved my uncle more and while I should take some time grieving and crying to let it all out, I'd eventually have to accept his passing. The good does die young. And my uncle was extremely young and for that I grieve his sudden demise.

But grieving is disasterous if we all forget the true meaning of death for only in dying we've all truly lived and and as sad as it is to accept the fact that my uncle has now gone to meet his creator, I celebrate the full life he had lived, no matter how short it had been.

I celebrate my uncle the great son who was ever loyal to both his parents, who never let the hustle and bustle of the so-called working life distracts him from his responsibility to his parents. I celebrate my uncle the great husband and father who was ever loving and caring to his household, who always put the needs of his wife and children above his own. I celebrate my uncle the great brother who was ever reliable to his siblings, who was ever present and ready to extend his help despite his own personal problems. I celebrate my uncle the great uncle who was ever kind to all his nieces and nephews, who was always generous in any ways possible just like the exemplary and ideal uncle one would normally read or see in novels or movies.

I will always remember this man as the person who taught me about patience as we once stood in the water of Bagan Lalang beach each holding a fishing rod, and the true elation of perseverance when I felt the tug at the rod I was holding, the joy of success as I spun the reel to retrieve the line with a wriggling white fish at the end of it, and compassion as my uncle unhooked the fish to let it swim back into the deep water.

So went a great man passing into a completely different world, a much better one certainly. And knowing him, he would certainly want all of us, his family, to keep on living for he'll continue to live with all of us, burning bright in all the memories of him we are left with.

'Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass, they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal.' - William Penn, More Fruits of Solitude

God bless you, Pak Lang. May you rest in peace. Al-fatihah.

the good, the bad, the dreaded

The Good


I've finally kick-started my revision thanks to the fact that I was stuck in my flat due to the crazy snowstorm. I literally skived all my hospital sessions for the entire week because the weather was either so bad I would be soaked from top to bottom within five minutes I walked out the door or the traffic was so congested I was stuck for well over than an hour on the road. By Wednesday, I simply gave up and decided to just stay at home to spare myself the hassle.
The good thing was that I had a long stretch of free time with nothing else to do apart from revising. I guess the cosmic must have decided to bring in the snowstorm to force me to study considering I have less than two weeks to study. I am your typical Malaysian student who study at the very last minute few days before the exam.

The Bad

The bad was the news I received on Wednesday. I got a text from my mother telling me to go online to skype while I was in the bus as the traffic crawled due to heavy snowfall (I was stuck for a good two hours, no joke!!!) and the moment I received the text I knew something was wrong because we already had our fortnightly (usually) skype session last Sunday, not to mention that we only skype during the weekend since I would be at hospital on weekdays.

When I was first told about my uncle’s problem a lil’over a month ago, I quickly jumped to the conclusion of lung cancer for he is a known excessive chain smoker. I concluded that the pain he had been feeling in his armpits and hands was suggestive of a Pancoast’s tumour and the nodules found in one of his bronchus from a bronchoscopy he had had was fitting. Later skype sessions with my sisters revealed that he was speaking in a slurred speech. I quickly referred to my book only to be confirmed that those with lung cancer would occasionally show some cerebellar syndromes (i.e slurred speech).

When I called my mother later, my suspicion (which I knew was right all along) was confirmed. My father told me my uncle had been hospitalised since Monday when he started to complain that he couldn’t feel anything at all from his waist down below and the doctors had confirmed the diagnosis of lung cancer, only it was far more progressive and advanced than what they first thought. My father also said that his voice was barely audible when he talked and my medically-tuned brain jumped to the conclusion of recurrent larryngeal nerve (which supplies the vocal cord) palsy.

It was so funny that barely two months ago I stood in front of my coursemates giving a presentation on lung cancer telling them that somking was the biggest risk factor and that the cancer would already be at an advanced stage at the time of diagnosis and that surgery would not be an option (it would be so progressive surgeons wouldn’t be able to cut the cancer out completely to leave any viable functional lung so they would usually go for chemo- or radiotherapy) and that prognosis was usually poor.

These past few days, I just dreaded every single time my phone started to ring. God damn you, cancer!!!

The Dreaded

The dreaded was the text message I got from my sister early Saturday morning. My uncle passed away Saturday afternoon Malaysian time and as much as I had expected the news, it didn’t make it any less easier especially it came a lot sooner than I’d expected. God bless you, Pak Lang. Rest in peace.

P.S.: the 'The Bad' part was written on Friday morning while the 'The Dreaded' was written Saturday afternoon UK time.

Life in Lyrics: Bohemian Rhapsody

I was planning to put another song for this week's Life in Lyrics but I decided to change the song in relation to World AIDS Day 2010 that took place yesterday.

The song for this week's Life in Lyrics is 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by none other than the legendary British rock band Queen whose lead singer, Freddie Mercury, died of bronchopneumonia secondary to AIDS nineteen years ago on 24 November.



the statue of Freddie Mercury I saw when I was in Montreux, Switzerland...

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy (Poor boy)
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go
Little high, little low
Any way the wind blows
Doesn't really matter to me, to me


Mama just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life has just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters


Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, oooooooh (Anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all


[Guitar Solo]


I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me
(Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Magnifico-o-o-o-o
I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity


Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go
Let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go
Let me go (Will not let you go)
Let me go (Will not let you go) (Never, never, never, never)
Let me go, o, o, o, o
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama Mia, let me go
Beelzebub has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me!


So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
[Guitar Solo]


(Oooh yeah, Oooh yeah)


Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me
Any way the wind blows...

While many critics agreed that the song was one of the most brilliant rock masterpiece ever produced, very few have agreed on the real meanings of the lyrics. Most however agreed that the lyrics was a manifestation of Mercury's personal dilemma (albeit him personally denying it) as the release was concurrent to his realisation of his own sexuality. Despite continueing to stay in a long term-relationship with his heterosexual partner, he had started on his first homosexual relationship. You can read more about Freddie Mercury and the song if you're interested but what I gathered from the song is that it's all about how you choose to live your life and the repercussions of your own choices and the fact that you might be regretting some of those choices.

I'm not saying that Freddie Mercury deserved to die for those choices he had made. AIDS was barely known back in the 70s and condoms was all about birth control but his story should serve as a reminder that all of us have to be responsible in making our decisions. If you choose to be 'easy come easy go' depending on whatever way you choose to interpret that line, don't forget to choose to be on the safe side as well. Always choose to have safe sex and for the girls, sex involves two people so there's no reason to leave all the responsibility on your male counterparts. Either bring condoms together with you or just say no if your partner insists on not using one and this applies to both you clever men and women (I'm in no way advocating pre-marital or homosexual sex, that's for you out there to choose. I'm advocating safe sex in general)! To extend the message in relation to World AIDS Day, take the responsibility to educate yourself about AIDS. Take the responsibility to know about your own status by taking the test. Take the responsibiltity to know about your partners' status (all 10 of them if you have 10!) and encourage them to take the test. And last but not least, take the responsibility to help create more awareness about the issue.

I know Life in Lyrics is suppossed to be about songs related to my life. Maybe 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is related. Maybe it's not. What is related is the fact that I choose the path I want to walk in my life and I should bear every responsibility and the repercussions that come with my choices.

For those of the younger generations, the name Queen might not be familiar but you guys might have come across the song from Glee. Queen was well before the time I was born but the only reason I know about the band was when my siblings and I went through our uncle's CD collections that he brought back with him after studying in the UK. We sort of fell in love with 'We Are the Champions' and we kept on repeating the song for a while. Then again, who wouldn't fall in love with that song?

Anyway, here's the clip from Glee when the cast perform 'Bohemian Rhapsody' with Jonathan Groff, who is openly-gay himself, taking the lead: